Secondary Characters Speak Out: Interviewing Hugh

Q: Quartz here, alone and neglected in my monthly column, ‘Secondary Characters Speak Out-

K: You’re not neglected. I’ve just written a freebie story for you. (grumbles under breath) I hope you’re satisfied, Paula. Give Quartz an inch and he’ll take the entire road-

Q: What road? Where’s my road?

K: Look, ‘Fairest’ belongs to Nine Star Press now. I’ve got to see if they’ve got an opening for your story!

Q: Or you could, I don’t know, finish my story?! By the way, what sort of addle brained title is ‘Of Crystal Coffins and Cuckoo Clocks’?!

K: (mutters) The title is a work in progress, much like the rest of it. (raises voice) Are you interviewing me? Or Prince Hugh?

Q: Prince who? Who’s Hugh?

(Cut to a plump, young man sitting in a seat opposite Quartz. His thick legs are stuffed into silk breeches like fat sausages. His jowls hang from a scowling face.)

Q: (looking around the anachronistic interview room) Huh, so this is what the scribbler’s world is like…

H: That’s right. Completely forget your prince. 

Q: (scowling back) You’re not my prince. I’ve never seen you before. 

H: A blessing to both of us. You’re the ugliest wench I’ve ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. 

Q: (beard bristling with indignation) Excuse me! I’m not a wench and I’m certainly not ugly! I’ve got the most immaculately combed beard of all my brothers, thank you very much! Like I’’ll take that from a bloke who doesn’t even bother with a beard!

K: (mutters offstage) I’ve never cared for beards myself…

Q: Shut up, scribbler!

H: Have to agree with the scribbler. I’ve no desire to even attempt a beard. Why should I give the ladies anything to hang onto? (leers at bit at everyone)

Q: Ah ha, now I recognize you! You’re Prince Charmless, the annoying Harold equivalent in that other fairy tale by the scribbler. 

H: (jowls trembling in fury) How dare you? (swells up like a toad) I’m Prince Hugh, not Prince Charmless! Not that you’re in any position to speak to me with such familarity, you dwarven wench! You will address me as Your Highness or not at all!

Q: I told you, I’m not a wench!

(There’s a jingling of bells in the background. A sly voice speaks from backstage. “Ah, I don’t know, my dear Quartz. You might make quite the comely dwarven wench.”

Q: Ugh! (shudders) Why do I think that sprite may have something to do with my being trapped in Fairest’s coffin during the freebie story? 

H: What was that?

K: (from offstage) To read what we’re talking about, read the last entry on this Author Page. Or the Forbidden Cauldron. 

Q: Never you mind. (to Hugh) I’m not addressing you. 

H: Such impertinence!

Q: Look here, you said I was to address you as ‘Your Highness’ or not at all. You’re not that high, nor do I think much of highness to begin with. I choose not at all, you sorry excuse for a prince. 

H: Now I know you’re a wench, in spite of your ugly looks. You have all these expectations of me, being a prince. 

Q: Not really. No. 

H: It’s not enough for any of you if I marry you, keep you in jewels and silks for the rest of your existence. 

Q: I can find my own jewels, thank you very much. I’ve not much use for silk. 

H: (not paying attention) No, because I’m a prince, you expect me to be handsome, charming, some sort of paragon of manhood. An ideal every woman desires and expects to claim.

Q: I don’t. I wouldn’t expect every woman to, either. The ones I’ve met wouldn’t be interested. (hesitates) Well, most of the ones I’ve met. Oriana might…she wanted wealth and power.

H: (still not listening) You never stop to consider that princes are people, too. We’ve got our flaws, like everyone else.

Q: Huh. (considers Hugh’s words) Maybe you’ve got a point under all that posturing. 

H: (swelling up once more with rage) Of course I do! I’m a prince!

Q: There you go, invalidating your own words…scribbler, why did I interview such a fool?

K: Hey, you were the one who wanted to focus on secondary characters. Hugh is the only other secondary character in ‘At Her Service’ besides Claude.

Q: There’s got to be someone less repulsive…

K: Not really. The only other possibility was resurrecting Ariella’s mother from the dead.

Q: (starting to sweat) Never you mind…