Quartz sits in his studio, only does he have a studio? Oh, yeah, he’s got a chair made of crystal which he sits in when he interviews people.
Across from him on a couch, yes, he’s allowed that anachronism here beyond the third wall sit a trio of bearded men? It’s hard to tell. They’re all shorter than him. Shorter than garden gnomes. One of them has a red cap pulled down low, hiding his eyes. Only his large red nose and long, gray beard are visible.
Quartz: Right. I understand you’re nisse. You play a part, a very small part in Wind Me Up, One More Time, the scribbler’s intended holiday submission to Nine Star Press. Which she’s taking her usual sluggardly time on. I understand you’re some sort of sprite or kobolds?
The nisse don’t speak. They just stare at Quartz. One of them whispers to another. The two nisse fix their beady eyes on him.
Quartz: At least you two have eyes. (tries not to look at eyeless one) Not to mention beards.
Silence.
Quartz: Not that you all look the same.
The nisse continue to stare at Quartz.
Quartz: Well, say something! Or else this isn’t going to be much of an interview.
The eyeless one lets out a high pitched giggle. All three of them start snickering.
Quartz: (getting irritated) If all you’re going to do is-
Cinnamon walks straight out of reality past the fourth wall into this interview, as if she own alls of it. Which she does. She is, after all, a cat.
The nisse leap out of their seats, falling over their own spindly limbs and each other to goggle at Cinnamon.
1st Nisse: Ah, why you beautiful lady! Such lovely fur you have!”
2nd Nisse: Such proud whiskers! Surely you are a queen among domestic cats!
The 2nd Nisse reaches out to pet the queen…only to have Cinnamon hiss at him.
The other two prostrate themselves, groveling before her.
The 2nd Nisse backs away, head bowed.
In case you’re wondering, the ‘signet seal’ is a paw-shaped stamp we have. We put it on notes involving the cats’s needs and wishes…we need to buy cat food, milk, kitty litter, etc. It gives everything a meowjestic touch, although our cats need our hands to use it. ;)
Back to the interview…Cinnamon settles on the ground, seeming not to mind the title, “Your Meowjesty”. Although it did belong to another cat before her. She much prefers “Signoria”, “Madame”, or “Cinnamon-sama”.
The 2nd nisse continues to rub his hands and inch away.
3rd Nisse: (keeping his head lowered) Of course you’re no mere domestic queen, Madame, you are a House Tiger, a House Tigress!
Cinnamon lets out a little half growl, half “Meh!”. She’s somewhat mollified by this weird little man’s flattery.
Quartz: Oh, fine, ignore me and flatter the cat! Sage, are you going to put up with all this attention your sister is getting, you pink nosed bundle of mischief?
Sage strolls out.
All three nisse ooh and ah over the sight of him.
Ist Nisse: Such a gorgeous gentleman! What fine fur! Gray as a beard, yet white as snow!
2nd Nisse: Such a dainty pink nose!
3rd Nisse: Is this the owner of the cat TARDIS? The Doctor ought to regenerate into this form next once she’s tired of the one she’s using. He’s clearly a Time Lord!
1st Nisse: Better than a Time Lord…he’s a Time Cat! Those clever white paws could fathom the secrets of the universe!
2nd Nisse: And they’re so elegant, too!
The 3rd Nisse tiptoes in Sage’s direction.
A curious Sage approaches him in turn. He reaches out with those ‘clever white paws’ and pokes the funny little creature.
The 3rd Nisse shudders.
Poked Nisse: Such ecstacy!
Quartz: What ecstacy? That cat may start batting you around if you’re not careful.
1st Nisse: But we love cats!
3rd Nisse: It’s in a cat’s nature to bat. Ouch!
Sure enough, Sage swats him with his paw, sending the 3rd Nisse rolling across the floor.
2nd Nisse: We’re not sure if we like you, dwarf. Expecting to interview us without offering any rice pudding in exchange.
All three at once: Hmmph!
Cinnamon lets out a sharp mew as if she agrees. Or maybe she’s just annoyed that the nisse are now paying attention to Sage.
Quartz: (glaring at Cinnamon) Since when do you like rice pudding? Although I suppose since it has milk in it, it might appeal.
Sage’s ears go straight up at the word “milk”. So do Cinnamon’s.
The batted nisse gets to make his escape while Sage is distracted. Both cats look at Quartz.
Quartz: Don’t look at me like that! Why would you expect me to give you milk? I’m not even real!
Me: Oh, so now he’s not real…
Quartz: Shut up, scribbler!
1st Nisse: If she ever did shut up, we’d all fade out of existence. None of are real.
2nd Nisse: We all live in the scribbler’s imagination.
3rd Nisse: Not even these magnificent cats are really here, even they are real.
1st Nisse: Just what did you want to interview us about anyway?
Quartz: You’re secondary characters in Wind Me Up, One More Time. You may not even make it into the final draft if the scribbler cuts your scenes out.
Me: (from backstage) I’m not…they’ve got a great scene with Heidi in the present draft.
1st: See? We’ve got a great scene with Heidi.
2nd: We like Heidi.
3rd: And even if we didn’t, we could exist without the scribbler.
Quartz: What?! I thought you’d fade away if she ever shut up!
1st: We’re nisse. We appear every Christmas when the scribbler’s mother brings us out.
2nd: Plus the scribbler’s mother always makes us rice pudding.
3rd: Which the scribbler’s husband always eats.
1st: At least he no longer eats our portion.
2nd: Do you remember the year when he ate all of the rice pudding?
3rd: We had to punish him.
1st: In a number of ways.
All three of them smile evilly.
Me: Yes, Don had a very bad year. You know, he didn’t know that rice pudding was yours.
All three nisse: Hmmph!
1st: The grudge over rice pudding is deep.
2nd: We don’t forgive humans who eat our portion.
3rd: Or dwarves who expect us to talk without offering us any.
All three nisse’s whiskers bristle in indignition.
Quartz: Uh oh, I know better than to argue with someone with a beard like that. Although I have to admit, those are some impressive whiskers. That’s all we’ve got for this month. Got to go! (flees)
1st Nisse: Trying to run away, are you? (gives chase)
2nd Nisse: Give us our rice pudding! (runs after)
3rd Nisse: We won’t forgive you if you don’t! (follows after)
After a moment, Nimmie Not, he of the spindly legs and yellow stockings, who exists courtesy of Paula Wyant’s Wednesday Words, grabbing himself a starring role in Quartz’s story as a result, appears on the crystal chair.
Nimmie Not: I wonder if Quartz even knows how to make rice pudding? (smiles slyly) He may need my help if he doesn’t.
Quartz: (offstage) Gah!
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