Quartz: About time! How long did you intend to make me wait, scribbler?
Quartz: Enough of this. Forget it. Forget the characters in other universes, other books. Time to get back to my world and my family.
Garnet: Sounds good-
Quartz: After all, Of Cuckoo Clocks and Crystal Coffins keeps getting pushed to the side for Aissa and Polyxena, A Symposium in Space, Wind Me Up, One More Time, not to mention the bloody, freaking Shadow Forest!
Quartz: I ought to plant duck universes in whatever universe Damian Freaking Ashelocke is prancing around in. Serves him right for acting like the Spider Goddess’s gift to beardless boys-
Garnet: QUARTZ! I’m here, remember? Bewildered younger brother, still wondering if you’re a ghost or what-
Quartz: Eh? No, I’m not really dead. (nose turns red) Er, there’s a story behind it all. The way it looks like, err, my whole falling down dead may have been my fault.
Quartz: The crystal coffin we put our girl in? The one I fused together, using my resonance with the stones? Ah, there might have been a few, er, complications with it. Complications which, ahem, may have, well, rebounded on me.
Quartz: Never mind that! (fingers his beard, looking highly embarrassed) I’ve already given you too many spoilers…I can’t go revealing too much.
Garnet: (mutters) As if that wasn’t too much-
Quartz: Never you mind! I’m interviewing you, remember? Not the other way around!
Garnet: Hah, right!
Quartz: So garden gnomes-
Garnet: What?! (leaps out of his seat, remaining whiskers standing on end) Where?!
Quartz: Heh, heh, no need to fret. Just wondered where you get this fear of garden gnomes from.
Garnet: (returns to his seat, not smiling) Have you ever seen them move?
Quartz: They’re garden gnomes. They don’t move. Hasn’t Opal told you that?
Garnet: That’s what they want you and Opal to think! They move when no one is looking. (shudders)
Quartz: Is that so?
Garnet: When they move, they show their true faces. Their sharp teeth hidden behind their jolly, red cheeked smiles. The bat wing ears hidden under their side whiskers and silly caps. The slitted pupils within their eyes no one ever notices under their thick eyelids and laugh lines.
Garnet: Think they’re the representatives of the earth element. I say they’re the creations of some mad alchemist, trying to subvert the unwary and overthrow the kobolds with creatures even worse. At least kobolds are more honest in their deceitful behavior.
Quartz: Kobolds are not honest! They’re tricksters who slide up to you, tell you’re important, you’ve got a special place in their magic book, oh, here’s a cottage for your whole family, only to stalk you with marriage proposals and cuckoo clocks!
Quartz: Never mind. Your older brother has a lot on his mind, so you pay it no mind.
Garnet: Just what’s going on, Quartz? You always seemed so worried…I thought it was about our girl, how to undo her sleeping curse. Just what else was happening when you ‘died’?
Quartz: Don’t trouble yourself about it. And don’t be so timid around garden gnomes. Remember, you’re bigger.
Garnet: Not much bigger, but I’ll try to be brave. (tugs at his beard)
Quartz: And quit pulling at that! You’ve made a right mess of what were once fine ginger whiskers. Just look at you! I go away and you start developing all these bad habits!
Garnet: It’s because you went away I started developing bad habits! When I lost you and her!
Quartz: Well, she’s happy, now, isn’t she? Married a princess and invited you to the castle where you got to dress up and dance. Maybe it’s time you found some happiness of your own, hmm?
Garnet: Not with a garden gnome, please not with a garden gnome-
Quartz: Of course not with a garden gnome! Fool, don’t give the scribbler ideas! You know what a sadist she can be. (shudders) Ask her for a story and she creates that blasted Nimmie Not to torment me…
Nimmie Not: (from off stage) Hmmph! Some dwarves don’t know how lucky they are!
Garnet: Yes, she had to come up with those terrifying images of garden gnomes-
Me: You can blame Critical Roll for that. They gave me the idea-
Quartz: Fire and brimstone, scribbler! Don’t go blaming others for your twisted imagination!
Quartz: And don’t forget your homework! Keep reading that book on stones!
Me: (sighs) Never a moment’s peace, even in my own head…