R is for Rhane

I think I’ve been changing without even realizing it. I’ve gotten more and more involved with Amberwyne and less and less involved with the roleplaying campaign game I created her for. I’ve been withdrawing from Beatrix, Mona, and the other players in the game. Someone once told me that The Players Are the Thing. Our characters couldn’t exist without their players. Their continued existence depends on our health and happiness. Who said this? Was it Zoe, the new player in our campaign? Or was it Amberwyne in one of our imaginary conversations? Any words from Amberwyne come from me, yet when I’m playing her, when I’m just thinking about her, I go to a place where the words flow freely. I’m never happier than when I’m playing Amberwyne or thinking about Amberwyne. I’m certainly happier than when I’m with Beatrix. When did things change between us? When did our clever game master with her top hats jammed over her short dark hair and black lace bodices cease to be alluring and witty? Or is what I once found charming now sour and caustic? I’m noticing a delight in preying and picking at other people’s weaknesses in Beatrix, particularly mine. Perhaps this is why I started withdrawing from me, into my own imagination, spending more time with Amberwyne. My imaginary character was far better company than Beatrix. Perhaps a part of me was relieved when she brought home Zoe, inviting her into our game. This new girl might distract Beatrix from me, give something else to do besides snipe at me. Maybe Zoe could make her smile again. She could be a welcome change. For something has to change in our game, to bring back my own smile, rekindle my enthusiasm. The game itself no longer delights me. Only Amberwyne does.